This is what I wrote today 2/11/20 Tue.

2-11-20 Tuesday

The Hotdog

I’ve been eating one a day for lunch
this whole week.
I used to nuke it for one minute
but now, only thirty seconds.
It’s a lot jucier,
before
it was dried out and wrinkled
I put a wiggly line of ketchup on it
nothing else
not even bread, I’m trying to cut down on my carbs.
I’m concerned I stand to close to the microwave.
I imagine those tiny little waves,
the ones that leak out are doing to my brian.
I lean back to protect myself.
I eat it quickly
standing by the trashcan.
Not to worry,
I only buy the good ones
the ones without
the nitrates and nitrites.

***

Quantity is what gives a writer experience and this is why you whould write everyday of your life. When I do that it doesn’t make my writing better it shows how bad it is and how I’ll never get better and the failure I am. This is why I’m so thankful for my wife and how much she loves me. Outside of that and my relationship with Jesus I would be nothing in human form. Even then it gets tough sometimes.

***

You know I’m having a draggy day when I don’t even feel like flying virtually. Now all I want to do is some form of creating and art. And today I find myself slumped over my keyboard pretending to be a writer. Writing is better than virtual flying because I’m not as tempted to spend money on new addons. I need to be photographing my jewelry tools and supplies and listing those on Ebay, but I’m tired. I would I would have more energy. I should, but I don’t and I hope everything is ok with me. I normally don’t feel this lack luster. I’m thankful I don’t feel sick, just crawl-back-to-bed-and-snooze tired. I can’t do that because when I do I feel super weird when I wake up and nothing feels normal the rest of the day until I sleep again at night and wake up the next day. I feel like I’m about to have a panick attack but I never do. I remain on the edge. A most dreadful feeling. So I stay tired, it’s better that way. Hopefully I can wake up the next day and continue on.

***

I got this notion, right now that I want to start a cane collection. I think that would be fun.

***

I ordered six 3.5″ x 5.5″ black notebooks yesterday and they won’t get here until Wednesday. I regret that, I wish I would have ordered ones that would be arriving today. But, these are cheaper than most and that’s why I chose them, to save money, so my wife and I can save more. We are trying to build up our emergency fund.

***

It’s easy to write a lot like this when you haven’t written in a long while but I’ve done enough of these “I’m-gonna-write-every-day-for-the-rest-of-my-life” writing moments until the day, and the day always comes. They day you wake up and nothing comes, no words and all you’re left with is freewriting. I used to like it but now I hate it because if we are all honest, freewriting is what you do when you have nothing to write about.

***

I’m a stay at home husband. My wife does the 9 to 5 office work. Everything that I’ve tried never makes money, it cost more than it brings in. I’m better doing nothing than to try painting or making jewelry. This is why I played video games all day, it’s just as meaningless. So I might as well write. I wish I could get excited about writing. I do it because it’s the only thing I can afford.

***

Fresh Cow’s Milk

straight from the tit.
RAW
nothing pasteurized.
nothing homogenized.
RAW
u n f I l t e r e d.

***

New Job

I want to be kinder to myself.
I need to be.
Why is it so difficult to do?
All I can think of:
all of my failures.
There are so many to choose from
it’s a full time job.
Today is the day I go find me a new job.

***

Billie Eilish:  her voice floats notes.

***

I want to paint something dead center
bulls-eye
because
I’m so tired of being told I shouldn’t
it’s not good composition.
I pull my paintbrush back
and let go
bulls-eye!

***

The hardest thing about reading…
and I know you need to read a lot to be a good writer.
is staying awake.
I found out this is caused by my dyslexia.

***

When I paint
I like to use only one
brush
the same one throughout the
W H O L E    P A I N T I N G.

My Wife’s Trip

It’s coming and I don’t want it to. I know that it’s good because it’s means I’m alive. When you don’t want to face something I’m to afraid to wish it away because maybe I won’t be here. I want to be here, you want to be here to face the trials. It means you’re still here, you alive. That’s a good thing. I’m sad thinking about it, but I’ll get through it with God’s help, the only way for me.

Last Day

of the year and the decade. So what and who cares. I felt I had to type some letters just because it is and maybe that’s good enough. It will have to be.

See you in the next year and the next decade. Whatever you do don’t get caught up with new year/decade resolutions, they’re meaningless because if you can’t get it done now you certainly won’t in 2020. How you live your life now is who you are. I’m not saying you can’t change, you can, but you probably won’t. I’m going to go out on a limb and say who you are is good enough, except of course if your me then it’s not but we are talking about you, not me.

Don’t get drunk and do drugs or something else that’s stupid. Stay safe and forget about the stupid ball dropping. Think about that for a while, how dumb is that really? Go to bed in good time and get some rest. When everyone else is trying to get over their hangover, you’ll wake up feeling great and you’ll be ready to face a new year and a great decade. (Depending on the actions you choose to make. Yes, it might be a new decade and all but you’re still responsible for your actions.)

the hard truth…

I can only talk about myself. I work hard at being what I think others would admire me to do when in reality I don’t like physical work. Maybe that isn’t my calling. When I was fourteen years old I worked on a masonry crew. I hated it. I enjoy sit down office jobs. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for me to do my jewelry. Maybe I enjoy sitting down and writing. I like doing this right now. It’s calming and relaxing. Could I feel good about myself at the end of my life reflecting back about me being a writer? I could. Even though non of it matters, but I could.

why cant they sit still?

So I’m watching this:
https://youtu.be/J4QnwV-qk5k

I like Kelly, but she, like all talk show hosts work to hard. Why can’t they just sit still? I’m wondering, are they being instructed to over do the emotions. Look at Tom in this situation. He’s calm.

I thought wouldn’t it be nice to have a talk show that’s calm. Just sit still and listen. Listen to what your guest is saying. You don’t always have to have a knee jerk reaction and overact your response. Breathe more, talk and move less. That’s what I want to do.

confessions of a stay-at-home-husband

A writer is anyone who writes, so that makes me a writer. Which is a joke because if you knew me you know that I’m not a writer. But right now, I want to be a writer again. I’ve tried to be a writer several times in the past but I kept quitting over and over again.

Why another try now? I watched this YouTube video this morning:

I realize that I need to think of years not months. I’ve got to be willing to write lots of crap and words that wasted until I can get anything good enough to be published.

The real reason I want to write, is the lifestyle of a writer is conducive to my lifestyle that I enjoy living. Look at the perks.

  1. I enjoy sitting while working.
  2. I sit most of the day anyway. So then I might as well write something.
  3. Low expense.
  4. I’m supported. My wife works the 9-5 office job.
  5. Given 1-4 why not write, it’s a no brainer.

The worst part is telling people you are a writer when you know deep inside you’re not. Especially my dad or my in-laws.

So what’s different this time then other times. Nothing, that’s what scares me.

Let’s see what happens with this blog, again.

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